Now that we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, let’s continue our discussion on fidelity. Imagine this scenario: You’ve been dating a guy for 3 or 4 months and the two of you are just starting to contemplate making the step toward commitment. In the course of dating, you have what seem like fun, harmless conversations like the one we’re having now, and at some point, you express to him nonchalantly, your belief that all men cheat. Three months later you guys decide you’re going to be in a serious, monogamous, relationship. He’s probably not thinking about cheating, at first, but as the relationship progresses, the newness wears off and temptation starts rearing it’s ugly head (as it always does) – the fact that he knows – somewhere in the back of his mind – that you expect him to cheat, is not going to be a helpful deterrent – on the contrary.
The interesting thing about male infidelity is that it doesn’t usually come via a random, unexpected encounter; I mean, seriously, how many of us have women showing up at our doors in trench coats. It’s usually someone we’ve known for a while or someone who, at the very least, has been on the periphery of your lives for an extended period of time. Maybe it’s an old girlfriend turned friend, maybe she’s one of your friends or acquaintances, maybe it’s a co-worker we’re spending long hours with – the point is, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to be with someone we’ve been around long enough to allow the idea to fester and nestle itself into a comfortable space in our minds. Once it’s in there, outside of cutting of contact completely, it’s almost impossible to remove. From there, depending on how often we see the person, and the context of those encounters, the temptation grows and grows till we hit the breaking point: the rationalization.
I call the rationalization “the breaking point” because it’s the point where we stop thinking about why we shouldn’t step outside of our relationship, and start thinking about why we should. Our mind will first point to what we feel are deficiencies in the relationship: lack of passion or sexual chemistry, boredom, etc, etc, etc. The last step of this rationalizing is us convincing ourselves that fidelity is impossible. We look around at all of our other guy friends who seem to be doing it, we look on television and it’s common place there, we see Will Smith admitting he and Jada have an open relationship – acknowledging the natural desire for outside companionship and eventually, we’ll tell ourselves, like you and the rest of society told us already, that all men cheat. In convincing ourselves of that, it no longer seems like we’re doing anything wrong. Rationalization Complete – game over, meet me at the motel.
So what does this mean – I still don’t feel like I’ve done an adequate job answering the question for you.
Pages: 1 2
Read Also
I agree with you that all men don’t cheat, but I also think it’s hard to argue this point because there are many women, like myself, who have never been in a relationship that didn’t end because of infidelity. At a certain point I started feeling like it wasn’t that all men cheated, it was simply that all my men cheated on me. It’s sad really. I think it mostly has to do with the type of men we allow ourselves to get attached to.
I believe that a fairer statement to make is that “MOST men WILL cheat”
All men don’t cheat, but most do! I’m sure there are a bunch of different sad ‘man’ (really bad) reasons why, but more than likely, it probably has more to do with the newness and temptation statement that you wrote about. Presently, I’m married for the second time. When I was young and single, I always thought about the novelty wearing off a relationship, so I never really got to the cheating point, because I would casually end the relationship when we started to get too comfortable around each other. Then, I would start another relationship, because I just love the newness of relationships- the wining, dining, caring, gentleness and being on the best behavior thing.
My first marriage ended in a child, that wasnt mine. Second marriage- let’s just say “I know some things, he doesn’t think I know…” (which is kind of like sitting on a gold mine.) So, let us assume that the novelty thing is probably the most agreeable answer to the infidelity question.
I have another question Why do men lie? And don’t say “huh”!
All men don’t cheat. Some men cheat with things that piss you off. Because I’m not a jealous women, my man knows that it wouldn’t get me upset if he stepped out. He knows that if he did, it would open the door for me to step out on him. My husband’s best friend is my boss. My boss is a dishonest man who is bigot among other things who hates the fact that I’m a black woman. This man is married to a white woman and feels black women are evil. Whenever my husband wants to “cheat on me” he hangs out and talks on the phone with this despicable man. My husband and my boss knows that this infuriates me, so they have a blast pissing me off. They are making me sick.
Sounds like we agree that it starts and ends with open communication or the lack of.
@ Maril P. I can relate to your Boss’ feeling, because at one time I harbored them myself. Then I worked at understanding the heart and mind of the women in my life.
When I came to the realization of what was truly expected of me(as a member of a group), I had and continue to enjoy the freedom of choosing to live up to or down to those expectations. Now I am able to project that I am an exception as opposed to arguing that I ain’t like those other people.
So if so many women believe that all men, or most cheat, why do we tolerate it? Why do we make choices that take us into the arms of men who are immature, untrusting and disrespectful? And make no mistake about it, cheating men are immature and disrespectful. At what point does the choice become ours, as healthy women,to choose men who won’t have a tantrum if things don’t go their way, or won’t feel the need to jump in bed with someone else just because you had a argument, or won’t touch the candy just because it’s in front of them? If as women, we want to be treated like adults with a mind and a brain, why not start by making different choices in the men we call our mates. Let the babies babysit the baby boys.
Yes, it’s apparent that both parties cheat. However, if one is really honest with oneself one would have to admit it’s all done in vain, right?
I mean at the end of the day, what has one really accomplished with the lies, deception, and stolen moments?
- A true relationship wasn’t formed (if that’s the perception, then it has to be built on lies)
- One’s life expectancy doesn’t increase by the transgression (actually the opposite).
- One doesn’t gain fame or fortune (Prostitution aside)
What is gain?
Nothing, but wet genitalia on both parts and definitely anxieties, which I call the, what if stage: — – What if I get std’s?
- What if she’s pregnancy?
- What if I was seen creeping?
The entire behavior is ridiculous if one sits down and thinks about.
With that said, I must say this. As a single professional black male, I often times runs into the ignorance of women of color (of all economic backgrounds) when the question is placed on the table.
Their ignorance is mainly due with question. The question is based on false reasoning. The reasoning is false in this sense – single cause fallacies-.
Don’t get me wrong, I think at one time or another it can be said to be guilty of this kind of reasoning.
My point, it takes two too cheat. Maybe I’m wrong, however, when women make these assertions, I don’t think they take in the full complexity, or dynamics of how we live in today’s society. Other words, the women making these assertions, don’t take the actions of other women whom play a large role into account.
For example, and some of you women reading this may have experienced this with your boyfriend and or husband. When I’m out on a date, or with a lady friend in public, I get hit on more by women than I would if I was out alone. The women hitting on me would make it plainly obvioious. And when I inquire about the pathology of the behavior from women I know, I was told this.
Women often times try to catch men, through flirtation when the men of their attention are accompanied by what these women perceived to be their girlfriends. Yes, crazy right?
Maybe some women who are reading this post can elaborate on what I am alluding to.
Cont.
Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s not an excuse for men to cheat. I’m only referring to the behavior of women. My point is women play a very active part in this game.
If men want to cheat why not be honest and give your significant other/spouse the same option…
yes
pull your S.O. aside and say
I’m thinking of stepping outside of our bond to sample another type of relationship while maintaining our relationship but before I do that, I want to give you the opportunity to do the same.
That way the s.o. is fully aware of what her partner wants and has the option of either walking away or indulging a side relationship, as well.
It’s the person who prefers dishonesty as a way of life who deserves the cheater tag.
Someone made a comment earlier about a woman being attracted to them while they are with the girlfriend. A woman excuse me girl that sees a guy with his girlfriend looks at that situation as I bet I can get him. Girls just like boys want what is not theirs. It falls into the category as I can do better. The females that do this see the girlfriend as competition. Therefore will let the guy know that she is interested..A REAL man will ignore the situation and value the respect for his girl..A BOY will entertain the female…therefore risking everything they have. It does take two. Females like this I have no respect for and really do not consider them women. For a REAL WOMAN will not intefere. It is true that a man on a date can be attractive to other women but it takes a real woman or man to look and move on. Woman that do this wonder why people rarely take them serious or why they are experiencing problems when they try to persue a relationship.
I understand that things dont always work out for the best when you are in a relationship. Be grown about the situation and express that, therefore time won’t be wasted and hearts will not be broken. I would rather for a guy to leave me alone that dip outside of the relationship and have me on false hopes that everything is okay. If I bring it to the table and ask if you are not happy or if you feel like there is something else out there for you, then you may leave; we can separate..why not take me on my offer..why still cheat…It will be worse in the end. Can someone answer that question..
My guy cheats and I have left and he has cried and begged for me back…when i address a situation like we can separate he denies he is doing anything to the fullest but yet he is still cheating..WHY NOT JUST LET ME GO?? HE ACTS LIKE THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS BY THE CONTINUOUS CHEATING ANYWAY?????
I know how you feel my husband has cheated on me and maybe he still is only him,God and the chick he's cheating with knows that. I feel like people can only hurt us if we allow them to and yes no one is perfect but if you forgive that person and they hurt you again when is enough, enough. And if you truely love that person how do you delete that person from your life?