This week I answer a question about communicating with a lover over email and when is it too soon to give it up.
I met a guy a few weeks before I broke up with my boyfriend and we became fast friends. We talked but never went out until after I ended things with my now ex. He’s 10 years older than I am and an investment banker, so he’s very busy. Eventually we went on a date and ended the night together. Shortly afterwards he started saying he was too busy to spend a lot of time together. I was angry and I sent him a long email telling him why. That didn’t go over well. We’ve spoken since and I’ve apologized but it isn’t the same. He doesn’t really call me – but he’ll chat if I call him – and we aren’t going out. I like him and would like to date, but I can tell my email really upset him. What should I do? – Evil Emailer
Dear Evil Emailer,
You said you met him a few weeks before kicking your ex to the curb, so really think about whether you’re ready to date or need some time alone (which a lot of people loath) to heal and improve before starting a new chapter in your life. I’m sure you’ve kicked yourself in the butt already, however, in case you haven’t let me remind you that angry emails only work against you. First, they come across as immature rants. Second, because you’re not there to explain what you’re saying, everything is up to interpretation, which means things usually come off more harshly than intended and your impassioned soliloquy doesn’t relay the underlying hurt. Communication is irreversible and so is becoming intimate too soon. You want to try to hold out until you know that he cares about you and you’ll be more than “Girl 67.” This rarely happens after a first date.
Now, what should you do? I suggest putting the ball in his court. First apologize one last time for the immature email and let him know that you’ve realized the importance of conversing in person and that you’d like to move on. Let him know if he’s interested in dating you too the ball is in his court. Here’s the hard part…YOU CAN’T call him or email him first. If he’s interested in you let him pursue you. Sure he’ll talk and bang you if you call and he’s bored but you want a man who wants to create a relationship, not one who’ll let you occupy free time, but who’ll make time. You also don’t want someone who hasn’t truly forgiven you. If he shows interest then reciprocate but let him take the lead. Avoid meeting or ending the night at your place for a while, so sex isn’t a factor.
Lastly, be wary of the age difference. While 10 years may not seem like a lot to you, it can speak volumes to where he is maturity wise. Banging and bouncing may be his style and your email could simply be his out.Read Also